Jamie Greene

Beware your inner Saboteur: he’s that little bugger who will pull your own rug out, just as you take your final step of the victory lap.

It doesn’t make sense, right? The stunning Super Model who has the world in the palm of her hand while she destroys herself with bulimia and a string of abusive boyfriends. The entrepreneur who throws away millions in a reckless wager in Vegas.

How about the recovering alcoholic with 20 years sobriety under his belt who relapses at his 20 year high school reunion?

They all have one thing in common… sabotage!

The origin of the word comes from ‘sabot‘, a 17th Century french shoe worn by peasants who would throw them into the gears of machines to willfully destroy them. Sounds like a Provincial version of throwing the toys out of the pram!

Of course, we’ve become more discreet in our destruction these days: Failed diets, blowing the retirement money, playing hooky, flirting with the waitress in front of the wife or rejecting the only partner who could actually make a commitment! These are all classic maneuvers of our hidden inner Saboteur.

The intention… to convince us we just don’t deserve.

For all the strife and angst we agonize over, sometimes we’d rather pitifully hold on to our familiar failings than risk braving change and accomplishment (See Fear of Success) . But what about those of us who are willing to compete for our success… why might we also ‘shoot ourselves in the foot?’

Quite simply, sabotage is a mechanism we employ to keep from crossing the finish line.

Like avoiding the completion of a gripping novel or the anti-climactic end to a wedding party, we just want more! What better way to prolong the vacation than last-minute packing and missing the plane? Genius in its unconscious inception but not the most direct approach to avoid going back to work.

So close and yet, so far.

You’ve probably heard the classic one about the wild stag night, where the promise of a committed relationship is often destroyed by the Saboteur’s need to experience a few more nights of bachelorhood!

Are we aware of this self-destructive mechanism within us? Can we do anything to stop ourselves from sabotage, despite our fully recognizing the negative consequences?

That’s up to you… What are you willing to give up?

No more escape routes or ‘extenuating circumstances’. No caveats, no grace periods, learning curves or ignorance of the law. Not another scapegoat or naïve bystander. No blind spots, black-outs or dissociating.

None of these slogans will work any longer: I can’t believe that came out of my mouth! You only hurt the ones you love! What was I thinking? I can’t help myself. Do as I say, not as I do. And the best… I said I’m sorry!

If you can give up all of these justifications for sabotage, you might just conquer self-defeat.

After all, who else is running your show?

Beware The Saboteur by Jamie Greene is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

Wishing your good mood would last forever is a bit like keeping your favorite haircut at the ‘ideal length’ without it ever growing out!

You see our moods are designed to change constantly, just as hunger is sure to return following the most satisfying meal. It’s just a matter of time, and the challenge is how you handle it.

Why are we subject to such fluidity of emotions?

It’s not important. Don’t worry about it! You see, you can’t stop your thoughts, can you? Well, guess where your moods originate… unconscious thinking!

I know, it’s a cheeky paradox, but it’s the truth. Your moods, feelings and emotions all stem from thoughts flying through your head at any given moment; some you are aware of and most you are not. Just as a seed must always precede the fruit, there is a crucial step in-between. Let’s call it the ‘trunk.’

If the seed represents our thoughts, the trunk represents our moods or emotions and the fruit is the manifestation of our actions, then it’s clear that the sequence must always follow thoughts-feelings-actions. In the same way that in nature the trunk cannot exist before the seed, our moods therefore stem from our thoughts, beliefs and interpretations.

If you want to have a better grasp of your moods, pay close attention to what’s going on in your head…

If it was really as simple as waking up on the wrong side of the bed, we would have switched sides and started the day over, right? You’ll find that those anxious worries and prior unresolved conflicts are responsible for causing the bad mood in the morning.

And don’t expect your feelings to change with a vanilla latte, chocolate croissant or a Marlboro lite! Only by addressing the conflict that is evoking the thoughts that trigger your moods will you shift how you are feeling and responding.

Pay close attention how to control yourself once you are triggered (see High Anxiety: Mea Culpa). Your goal should be that your moods and attitudes become ‘bulletproof.’ That means that no matter how unreasonable or unfair the circumstance you find yourself facing, NOTHING justifies a raging outburst or verbal assault. It will only be YOU who takes the hit.

Remember, we are operating under the sequence of cause-and-effect in this world, so blame and abdicating personal responsibility for the way you feel and behave will just keep you in a lousy mood!

So, the only thing you can do about it is how you handle you about it!

Swing Shift by Jamie Greene is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

There’s no such thing as fear of success… it’s the fear of failing once you succeed!

Fear sucks. It literally sucks all our ambition, confidence and trust into a black hole we come to know as our self-esteem.

I was once grocery shopping, pleasantly minding my own business when all of a sudden, I noticed an acquaintance standing at the end of the aisle, pondering spaghetti sauces. How intrusive… this is my supermarket! All at once, I found myself darting down the adjacent aisle, hoping not to have been discovered, just to preserve a few more moments of domestic anonymity.

And all the while, an inner bully taunted me with shudders of rejection and intimate panic at the very notion that I might be ‘outed’ in an unscripted vulnerable moment of a real life encounter!

As a clinician I was never clear what self-esteem really meant so I looked it up in my Pocket Oxford and it became clear all at once; derived from the Latin verb, aestimare, it means to estimate or compare. Who knew?

Of course, that’s precisely how we torment ourselves with awful comparisons that evoke feelings of inadequacy, deficiency and deflation!

I soon discovered I was keeping good company… numerous vexed souls who would pour in through my office, declaring their afflictions with the dreaded plague of low self-esteem. It must be in epidemic worldwide proportions by now. I mean, how many friends of yours are blessed with bountifully soaring secure personalities?

It’s as if it’s the world’s worst kept secret… none of us like ourselves that much in the depths of our core!

Horrible. We need to address this and fix it good and proper.

It may be one of the biggest misconceptions I’ve noticed over the years and I hear it from people all the time… “I can’t do it… it’s my fear of success!” Poppycock!! No one really fears success. We crave success, abundance, happiness, wealth, acknowledgment and praise. We yearn for unconditional love and acceptance, to be cherished, adored and flattered. But it’s so terribly awkward and affronting, attempting to negotiate a way past the ominous bully of our self-esteem.

If you believe you are one of the afflicted, it’s likely because you are afraid to take risks and worry about being judged or rejected if you fail. Well, guess what? No matter how much you strive for perfection and flawless eminence, there is always going to be someone out there who thinks you’re a shmuck!

There’s something deceptively comforting about our familiar failings. In fact, many of us would rather maintain this fruitless routine of fraternizing with the bully of low self-esteemville than risk confronting him head on and chasing him out of town!

We want to succeed, we just can’t bear the thought of having all that success slip away again, once we finally make it! (Read that again)

So, what’s the risk of confronting this bully disguised as the fear of success? He might make his perennial return to intimidate you again and again. Yet, it’s always in our control to be the root of our own success and failings. No one to blame or avoid, no one to rescue us from the black hole of despondency; not even a search party looking for us. Ouch!

There’s a legacy of success story after success story that teaches us indispensable wisdom that only through repeated failures can one truly derive enduring success.

So it comes down to this…

Pick yourself up; dust yourself off; get back on the saddle; up from the count; head down, chin up and chase that bully right out of town, (or at least down the next aisle).

Oh, and run to greet any unforeseen shopping buddies!

Fear of Success…Not! by Jamie Greene is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.