Jamie Greene

If you were ever to find yourself at the cliff’s edge on a foggy day, so thick you could barely see your hand in front of your face, and you realized that your next step would plunge you on to the rocks below – and in the next instant the fog cleared… wouldn’t you instantly know what action to take?

Maybe you’ve become confused or disenchanted by the empty promises of spiritual pathways, eager to change your life circumstance, plagued by fear and regret of missed opportunities or at a crossroads in your life and unsure which fork to take.

As your personal coach, I am available to do one-on-one private sessions and serve as your personal guide to help you make courageous decisions and changes in your life.

When the fog clears, we see vistas and landscapes that purge any fear, doubt, confusion or hesitation

If you feel the fog closing in around you and you’re ready to move away from the cliff’s edge, I honor you for your bravery to open your heart and mind to the landscape about to be revealed to you.

Remember, it was there all along… cloaked in fog.

Off The Couch Consulting, Inc.

To set up a one-on-one private coaching session in person or by phone, please contact me at: jamie@jamiegreene.la

You can also leave me a confidential voice message on (310) 906 0116

Clearing The Fog by Jamie Greene is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

As we bring in 2012 and await the Mayan version of Y2K, I thought a pertinent theme to start the year to be that of warnings and cautions!

For many years, one of my areas of specialty has been anxiety disorders. I have spent over two decades educating clients and students alike on the ins and outs of the signals and triggers of anxiety. I’ve found that through education and practical explanation, many of the common daily symptoms of generalized anxiety subside by demystifying the mischievous miscreant of the mind.

I explain that anxiety is merely a signal of conflict lurking beneath the surface, insistently tapping on the door of our psyche, demanding to be acknowledged. The more we turn him away, the louder his knocks and the more frequent and intrusive his visits…

Be warned that eventually he’ll pound the door down with a heart-racing panic and likely over stay his welcome!

Prevention or Reparation?
I have always reminded my clients that the key to a crisis-free life is prevention. (After all, there’s a reason we clear fire roads before fire season). That means paying attention to the signals and cautionary warnings when conflict is afoot. However, it requires self-awareness, presence and a pinch of self-control to heed the warnings life offers us…

Much like the warning lights on a car dashboard, our essential task is to pay attention immediately and take every sign as a helpful hint for some necessary trouble shooting.

No one should presume the oil isn’t running low or the check engine light faulty just because you don’t hear a knocking sound under the hood and no steam spewing from the radiator!

Warning Signs
It might be a raging temper, a nasty outbreak of hives or a panic attack that unceremoniously sends you to the ER… no matter what your conflict - it’s all preventable!

It’s merely a matter of knowing thyself. Like developing the tolerance to manage agitation before it swells into a storming gale of rage. The patience to quietly listen to your partner as they mirror your misgivings and foibles, or risk the wrath of their frustrated outburst. Their curt retorts are but flashing lights on the marital dashboard!

Mirror-Signal-Maneuver
Learning to drive in England in the late 70′s, I will never forget my strict instructor’s admonishment to first check the mirror, then make my signal and only when safe, make my move. How profound that so many of life’s challenges and conflicts might be addressed through this sacred sequence…

So here’s my 3-step instruction for those of you behind the wheel of life’s strife:

1. When conflict strikes – first look in the mirror. What is being triggered deep inside that has you so upset, hurt or agitated?

2. What are the signals of conflict that you’ve been overlooking that demand your attention and care? Go there first. Be willing to look under your own hood and be prepared for grime and debris awaiting you.

3. Once you’ve safely regained control of the wheel, move gently into traffic, but keep to your own lane!

If you’re willing to follow these 3 steps to an accountable self, there is no fight, disagreement or misunderstanding that can derail you.

It also couldn’t hurt to pay attention to the way you’re driving… just saying!

A Cautionary Tale by Jamie Greene is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

I recently had the privilege of teaching undergraduate scholarship students at USC in one of my flagship coaching courses known as “Mastering The Competitive Edge”.

Through generous donations made by the Latino Alumni Association (LAA) of USC, many of these young Latinos have been given the opportunity to become the first generation in their families to attend University and become true leaders in their communities.

Of the thousands of students I’ve been blessed to facilitate over the years, these scholars touched me with their self-awareness, ambition, humility and desire to make a real difference.

My mission was to prepare them for life beyond academics, fraternity rushing and Trojan rallies. To provide them with life skills and augment their tool kits, so they’d be ready to tackle the workforce by storm. My sense is that if there is to be a demographic to defy the statistics of unemployment and reduce the 1 trillion dollars in outstanding student loans in the US, this would be them!

Close To The Edge…

Initiators
One of the key principles of leadership that we all need to be reminded of is taking initiative. In the spirit of connecting to our competitive edge, Initiators know what they want and how to recognize opportunities to achieve it. They push themselves into action the moment their mind is made up! Don’t delay - it only takes the smallest crack of self-doubt to create a massive crevice of indecision and malaise.

Risk-Takers
Initiators know the importance of being willing to make mistakes and keep moving. It’s not that they don’t have fears, they just keep moving! The willingness to risk is always knowing there is another challenge around the corner.

What is the cost of not risking?
There’s a simple adage; wherever you go, there you are! If you don’t want your next year to look and feel the way your life does today, then step up and create an action plan for change.

Here is a reminder of the 4 simple steps to create change:

1. Write down an action step you are committed to and connect with a friend/partner you will be accountable to.

2. Write down every excuse – all the stuff you know you’ll allow to get in the way from taking action when push comes to shove.

3. Find a way to dismiss each excuse by finding a solution to overcome it.

4. Don’t leave yourself any reasons to quit.

 Knock, Knock…

Opportunists
Opportunity doesn’t come to the door knocking… you’ve got to go out and knock on doors yourself to make your dreams happen!

This is where my Latino scholars come in. These inspiring souls recognized their own potential and took stock in their assets, talents and resources. We can all follow their example of appreciating our unique gifts or services and tap into those “unreached” clients and customers who crave what we have to offer.

Remember, they can’t find you if you don’t go looking for them…

Knock loudly; you better make sure they can hear you over their celebrations that you finally stepped up!

Opportunity Knocks by Jamie Greene is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

As many of you know, one of my passions is the work I do with men. To witness the transformation of an often “broken” man who is struggling with self-doubt and poor relationship skills is one of the most rewarding and personally satisfying successes I am blessed to be part of.

To that end, I recently led and co-produced an event called the SouthWest Men’s Conference in West Los Angeles for 60 men.

I have included this press release, although retrospectively, as I would like you all to know what we are up to in the current Men’s Movement.

I will also be co-leading The Man Event II in San Diego on August 6th.
Please see the details below and send us your men!

Prime Time Reality Show Star Makes Local Appearance to Guide Men on Path of Success…

Los Angeles – Jamie Greene, 20-year therapist, leadership trainer and star life coach on this season’s “The Bachelor” on ABC, has a tip for men striving for success in their lives and their relationships.

First things first – be grateful if your woman ever challenges you or pushes your buttons. That’s right. Says Greene, “I like teaching men how they should be flattered when their women test them rather than be insulted.”

Other tips provided for men by Greene:

§  Men need the company of other men in their lives in order to maintain a masculine edge, supporting each other to take their game to the next level.

§  Men require a reflection of other men to show them how they are really showing up in their life.

§  With the right teamwork on a Men’s “Team,” men can release their frustration, anxiety and stress so they don’t take those harmful emotions home with them.

§  Women can benefit having their men be in camaraderie with other men since men can become more driven and focused, emotionally available, pleasant to be around, and more appreciative of the women in their lives.

Such thought-provoking, mind-expanding education will be part of a presentation at the SouthWest Men’s Conference, 9 – 2 p.m., Saturday, July 23, 2011, at the LAFT Training Facility in Los Angeles. http://www.southwestmensconference.com

An expected gathering of 60 men will be witness to five speakers focusing on various issues that face men today, among them:

The Power of Commitment, Holding a Powerful Context, Success in Career, and Greene’s specialty, “The Most Powerful Approach in Relating To Women.”

In 2005, Greene was cast as a real-life marriage therapist in the FOX show “Marriage 911” and helped to save a marriage on the rocks in just one week. The couple is still thriving years later.

Jamie has been involved with men’s groups since 1996 and has successfully led, trained and mentored other men in becoming leaders in their own right. Jamie was most recently featured as a life coach to Brad Womack on Season 15 of “The Bachelor.”

Greene says what he did on the show was what can be appreciated at the conference – coach a man to learn how to recognize his own masculine strength of power and trust himself so he can be real and present with his woman.

Regarding the conference, Greene says, “Men will get an incredible sense of camaraderie, understanding, acceptance and a recognition that, as men, we are fundamentally battling the same demons, and there is a tremendous amount of wisdom available to show them another way to approach those challenges.”

Jamie can next be seen delivering his insights on men and women at:

The Man Event II
9 – 2 p.m., Saturday, August 6th, 2011 at Salvation Army Citadel Gymnasium, 4170 Balboa Avenue, San Diego CA 92117

For a radio interview with more explanation of some of the wisdom we share with men, please click here:
www.blogtalkradio.com/scorpion-equinox-/2011/07/20/guests-jamie-greene-and-chris-christopher

Honor a great man in your life. Support a man who needs the help of a circle of men and send him to The Man Event!

A Few Great Men! by Jamie Greene is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

The “battle of the sexes” would appear to be alive and thriving in our homes, businesses and communities. I use the term battle loosely as I believe there to be a big misconception about the function and purpose of conflict between men and women.

How Dare You…

Many of the men I coach express frustration at the endless testing they receive from their wives or girlfriends and even become insulted that the tests do not stop. Well, it’s no wonder they are further aggravated to learn from me that the tests are not supposed to stop! Mmmm.

It’s an important re-frame and perspective shift I give men and I feel it would be helpful to clue the ladies in on exactly why we welcome your tests.

Picture a wintry scene with the first snow fall covering the ground and a small pond frozen over at the end of the garden. Your small children excitedly run to try their best figure of eights, but you grab them by the scruff of the neck and urgently yell “Hold on there kids – not so fast!!”

As their paternal protector, you grab the largest stick you can find and hit the surface of the frozen pond to make sure the ice is solid enough to bare the weight of your precious kids. You test the surface several times before you feel confident that it’s safe for them to play. Then, and only then, do you get to enjoy the squeals of joy as they skate their wintry days away.

But, as the advent of Spring draws closer, you sense it’s time to check on that icy surface for fear the conditions may change. So, for the well being and protection of your family’s safety, you look for that stick and continually re-assess the ice, knowing that one day, it may not be safe for them to skate on the pond.

Rite of Safe Passage

Let me ask you men, at any time in our wintry scene does the ice become insulted??
You see, the purpose for testing the ice was to ensure the ongoing safety of the kids.

In the very same way, a woman will continue to test her man to ensure the well being and safety of her relationship and to make sure she is on solid ground with him.

As men, we should be flattered and honored that she looks for us to be her rock, knowing that we are the ones who provide that safety in the relationship. No harm, no foul.

This is merely one of the many ways that conflict strengthens us and brings us closer together. But remember the following:

Ladies – make sure you know why you’re testing him... There’s no snow in summer!

Gents – make sure you pass her tests!

Icy Conditions Ahead by Jamie Greene is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Personal development is like being under construction; make sure to warn your friends and loved ones that debris will be falling!

I remember seeing those apartment buildings in the San Fernando Valley surrounded by wire fences following the aftermath of the 1994 Northridge earthquake, thinking it was such a powerful metaphor for the process we tend to undergo in therapy and coaching.

The shaken tenants had to endure the discomfort and inconvenience of being relocated during retrofitting and reconstruction, in much the same way as we go through the difficulty of being inspected by our coaches, shrinks and sponsors, on admitting our need for help.

Get Ready For Rubble…

Just as the plaster and ornate facades are stripped off the cracked walls and ceilings revealing the brick and dry wall posts beneath, so goes the way of our ego, grandiosity and character flaws into the dumpster!

As many of you know, it’s not pretty…There’s rubble, dirt and muddy puddles everywhere we step and a very high risk of debris falling from above.

Hard Hat Area… Look Up!

This is what I term the Hard Hat Area of self-improvement!
It’s important to forewarn your loved ones and ‘suitors’ that you are likely not to be at your best during reconstruction, since your focus will tend to be self-absorbed and riddled with guilt, shame and introspection.

This is not meant to serve as an excuse to be a lousy spouse or irresponsible, rather a reality check of the unnatural and often messy process of personal
transformation.

Just as the foundation and walls of the buildings felled by the earthquake were strengthened and rebuilt with sturdier structure, so will you learn resilience to the pressures of personal responsibility and continuous relationship tremors!

In the coaching world, reconstruction and reinvention are part and parcel of the work. It should be fast, poignant and empowering. Let’s face it, no one wants to live without a roof for too long. Just make sure your “contractor” is
skilled and has a blueprint for change that matches your vision.

Work In Progress…

Be prepared to be patient and steadfast on your journey of reconstruction.

It’s a little like the Movie Director who excitedly shows his burgeoning new Producer the story boards for his vision of the movie, only to be met with dismay and confusion, as he merely pictures pencil sketches, rather than the visual masterpiece of the eventual finished product.

Remember, the time will soon come when you’ll re-open your heart and your doors to guests and tenants alike,“Under New Management”.

Until then, don your hard hat and look up!

Life – Under Construction! by Jamie Greene is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

I recently had an illuminating session with a couple who have strongly opposing views of the world. Or so it seemed…

The question of the meaning of life comes up at least 3 times a day in my coaching work with clients these days. Maybe it’s the current spate of natural disasters and global tragedies and seeming randomness and injustice of it all, but the question keeps coming - Why?

Far be it for me to be the authority on such matters, but I do believe that part of my role as coach and voice of reason is to help others make sense of the world around them. To that end, the matter of life’s purpose must be readily accessible to all of us, rather than remain a perpetually ambiguous existential dilemma.

One Good Reason
We all need a good reason to leap out of bed in the morning…
A reason to smile,
Someone to serve,
A cause to fight for,
An object for our affection,
A task to strive for,
A purpose to fulfill,
A gift to bring to the world.

So, what is the source of meaning and how does God fit into all of this?
Let’s go back to my couple and their heated debate. Like many of us, they are struggling with a common dispute of the existence of God, a Higher Source behind all creation.

He is an atheist and she is extremely spiritual.
Her argument: Spirituality is not about God or religion.
His stance: There is no God and we are hurtling towards chaos… You get the picture?

In listening to their passionate debate, I realized that she just wanted to feel closer to him and share her ‘embracing’ view of life. Yet, he stood firm so as not to be ‘smothered’ by her religious dogma, rituals and ceremonies. Their challenge… how could they love each other and establish a deeper commitment with such opposing views of reality?

Agnostic Ambivalence
In approaching this tricky impasse, I cut to the core of where they were really struggling as a couple. She felt he was limiting their intimacy with his spiritual resistance. He envied her grounded, peaceful demeanor and grace, while fretting with relentless anxiety over the minutiae of his day-to-day pressures.

It seemed clear to me that this apparent chasm of purpose between them was really not so wide. After all, he acknowledged she was happy and purposeful in her spiritual approach to life, yet he was miserably angst-ridden in his God-less existence! He longed for the joy and zest she exuded and confessed to feeling trapped in his awkward agnostic ambivalence.

My assessment: Like all struggling couples, they both want to feel calm, centered and close; both yearning for joy and limitless revelry. They just want to feel that there is a purpose for their being together and for their love to flow.

It seems he is a spiritual fellow after all! He understood that spirituality is actually inside us. It’s our awareness, presence, and the meaning we bring to every moment. A spiritual atheist… I like that!

Altar Ego
One could assert there is no need for rituals or ceremonies in order to feel joy and passion. Often times, a ritual is a daily discipline to practice self-control, containment or compassion. It has its purpose in our lives to keep us focused and on track.

We could look at a workout at the gym as a ritual to build stamina, increase muscle mass and decrease body fat. The treadmill as our altar, the gym our Temple and the members, our congregation. We no more ‘worship’ the treadmill through ritualistic cardio-training than sitting quietly meditating to clear our minds in a quiet patio.

The assertion that these practices make us strangely religious is of course ludicrous. It’s a little like assuming a ‘couch potato’ an agnostic!

Our Essential Task
The need for meaning and purpose, therefore, exists in all of us and manifests uniquely. Our essential task is to find our gift. But, without meaning and direction, the expression of one’s gift is stifled.

It’s a bit like having a talent that you never get to express. Does it really even exist if there is no one to share it with? We’ve been given gifted talents for the sole purpose of their expression.

If you write, express it with purpose; if you sing, belt it from the roof tops; if you’re an athlete, knock it out of the park and if your gift is to connect with people, then give them all you’ve got!

It has been said that true power is the gift of being fully present.
Now that’s a cause worth fighting for!

God And A Treadmill by Jamie Greene is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Living in Los Angeles certainly has its rewards. Just witnessing the weather across North America for the past three months has reinforced my appreciation of Southern California and all its glories. None more so than how we are spoiled for choice when it comes to nature. The hiking trails, canyons, lakes, ocean breeze-cooled beaches and Mulholland Drive vistas are a few of my favorite things.

Finding Your Place
It’s one of the more common presenting issues that many of my clients are facing today; What do I want and where can I find it/him/her? You might be struck by the question yourself as you read this now. Even if you’re happily ensconced in a healthy relationship, there is often that nagging question of what really makes us happy, complete and fulfilled in a way that gets us leaping out of bed in the morning.

Sounds of Silence
What I have found to be true for many of us is that we are just too busy to slow down and connect. Connect to those haunting questions of meaning and purpose, connect to our yearning, our fears and insecurities, our anxiety, our anger, our passion. But most of all, we often avoid connecting to the Universe!

There, I said it. We have abandoned our Higher Selves, avoided the guidance we so crave from within and diminished that inner Voice that quietly whispers inside us.

Voice of Reason
I often refer to my role with my clients as a ‘reality check’ or Voice of Reason, all the while serving merely as a guide to redirect them to their own! Gone are the days when I would be concerned about giving advice or directing a client with an important decision. I do it all the time. My clients request it, they demand it from me and they trust me to tell them the truth. But what I offer them is the way to discover it for themselves. I invite them to find their place.

Wherever you go, there you are!
I first found my place in the meandering trails of  the Santa Monica Mountains. More excursions led me to the sacred discoveries of Franklin Canyon Lake and the Hollywood Reservoir. For others, it’s a quiet spot on El Matador Beach or a meditative drive along Angeles Crest Highway or hugging the spectacular contours of PCH all the way to Big Sur.

What does it sound like and what am I listening for?
Essentially, dropping in to a quiet space allows us a few moments of solace, stillness and clarity. If you’ve ever meditated you know what I’m taking about. Not easy… We might become restless, bored, antsy or agitated. Even a reprieve from our handhelds can cause us to break sweat!

Chamber of Wisdom
What I’m suggesting starts off for many of us as a self-discipline to switch off the constant bombardment of distracting thoughts. Allow a few sacred moments to go inside a “Chamber of Wisdom” that exists in each of us. There you will find a lock with a combination code uniquely designed for each of us.

The way to decipher the code that unlocks the treasure chest of answers is to ask questions. Then, simply listen…

No Stupid Questions!
I’ve often heard that there are no stupid questions. The blockage is in not receiving the answers. This might well be one of the primary challenges on your quest for truth. Approach every deep yearning question as if you are looking in a ‘Divine’ mirror. An answer from within is merely reflected back, it has no agenda of its own.

Location, location, location.
No matter where you are, from the tropical climes of the South to the lush pastures of the Mid-West or harsh snow-swept streets of Manhattan, take the time to find a quiet spot to tune in and connect. It sounds so simple and obvious but it’s amazing how much resistance we have to going inside for the answers. It’s far easier to ask for advice, seek counsel or create gurus. The irony is that whomever that sage is you go to for advice, they likely found their answers by going inside and trusting the wisdom they received.

Now go discover for yourself… Create a date with the Universe!

A Date With The Universe by Jamie Greene is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Ever feel like a damsel in distress lying in wait for your knight only for him to be too busy shining his armor? Have I got some tips for all of you choosing unavailable men…

It must be the most consistent trait I see in virtually every woman I have counseled; choosing Sir Lacks-a-lot!

(As you’ll soon see, this phenomenon equally applies to many of my gay friends)

It’s as if there’s some kind of medieval dormant gene in your psyche that summons forth the Barren Knight to awaken. Of course, you don’t see this most elusive hidden quality in yourselves, let alone your suitors, but you’ll agree that it’s a self-defeating pattern that always ends in tears.

Let’s understand this nasty ancient curse.

An honest fair maiden eagerly awaits her soul mate to sweep her off her feet and over the threshold, only to discover that her knight is merely passing through, en route to his next joust. So many gauntlets… but few hands that fit. You would have thought that his iron-clad armor was enough of a clue that he wouldn’t be too inwardly mobile.

By that I mean that unavailable men do not introspect! For in order for them to look inside themselves, they would have to ask for assistance to remove their armor and therein lies the root of your curse…

There are essential clues that you need to recognize in an unavailable man.

First and foremost, there is a reason he wears an iron suit. Nothing is getting through that wall, least of all you! ‘Tis brave a man who can remove his mask and look deep within his soul’s yearning. Um, sorry that is not your man.

You will also recognize him by his frugality of purse (he’s cheap!) and it’s no consolation seeing his generous potential if it will take him a lifetime to spend it. Remember… generous of heart, plentiful in love; benevolent in spirit, abundant in his spiritual growth. But, iron clad in his proclamations, ample chagrin for a damsel’s needs.

More clues…

Pay attention to the way he talks about women, all women. Mothers, sisters, ex-wives, bosses, girlfriends, co-workers, the lot. He will soon be talking about you the same way. How might that sound?

Getting dismayed yet?

Then there’s the matter of manners. Does he have a code of honor he lives by? Does he open your doors, pull out your chair, walk behind you and return your calls promptly? Well, 3 out of 4 ‘aint bad!

There is another way to choose your man wisely. Check the quality of his raw materials! That may sound vulgar, but I’m referring to his core qualities and values that make him the man he is.

You wouldn’t build your dream home from rotten wood, cracked beams and flimsy tiles, so why settle for less than ‘Grade A’ quality man stuff! You need to see that his integrity is consistent, that his deeds match his words, his honor lies in tact and his reputation is first class among his peers.

Never met his fellow knights and elders or notice he’s become distant and aloof? Sure, give him his SPACE so he can work through how much he loves you,  just not that in love with you! (Brutal)

If you’re honest with your ‘man choice’, how much of these qualities did you check before you plunged into commitment escrow?

Be not dismayed and have faith in this… In every curse there lies a blessing.

An opportunity to look deep into your soul, and ask earnestly if it is the knight who disappoints, or the maiden who deceives herself?

Who is cursed… the rusty knight or the damsel distressed?

Will this riddle be solved by he who pursues or who peruses the clues?

Curse of The Unavailable Man (A Knight To Forget!) by Jamie Greene is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

We are too busy trying to control the things we have no business controlling and relinquishing control where we have absolute domination.

As an admitted control freak myself, I feel fully qualified to expound on the trials and tribulations of life’s greatest paradox…

The more controlling we are, the less we trust and feel at peace!

Come to think of it, I don’t believe I know anyone who isn’t somewhat controlling. Consider the agitated freeway driver who adamantly refuses to let you in to his lane from the on-ramp, or the nervous blind date companion who repeatedly calls the maître d’ to confirm his reservation in the back patio, by the twinkly lights, but not too close to the noisy street!

How about your movie buddy who always orders the tickets ahead to save from selling out, only for you to realize that you never manage to get to see the movies you like! (Ok, that one was me)

Then there’s the landlord who only accepts cashier’s checks to his PO Box, the neighbor who incessantly vacuums the living room or that know-it-all friend who exhausts you with thesaurus-like bragging!

What’s important to understand is that control and trust are polar opposites!

The more controlling we are just reveals the extent of our mistrust and fear of letting go. Here’s a classic example of how I first discovered my battle with trust versus control…

I was 23 and in the peak of my research on the ultimate elusive woman (See the post on Curse of the Unavailable Man for further insights on that conundrum). Remember that early phase of dating where the endorphins flow freely through our system, we can metabolize an entire pizza in 10 minutes without the hindrance of any unwanted bloating and we have the energy to leap tall buildings in a single bound?

She was an actress-model-marine biologist, we had gone out several times and there seemed to be a mutual admiration and excitement building between us. So much so that I boldly left one of those sweet, exuberant 1988 answer phone messages and may have let it slip how much I liked her. You know that movie moment after you hang up the phone and wish you could go back to the future to erase the message and pretend it never happened… Too late!

I proceeded to endure the next 4 or 5 hours anxiously obsessing on her returning my call. And yet… nothing. Fine, I’ll get her to call me… (CONTROL WARNING!!)

Here begins our 1st phase of control; obsessive vigils and psychological surveillance running wild in our heads!

It’s the moment where we come up with an assortment of explanations as to why they don’t call; No cellular reception in Laurel Canyon, busy day of auditions and call-backs, beginning a new week of Vipassana silence and meditation. You name it, we rationalize it!

Frantic attempts to get a response is our 2nd phase of control.

This is where we pull out all the stops to justify some kind of response from the object of our affection/obsession immediately. We become ingeniously creative in this stage… emergency breakthroughs in collusion with the Operator, extravagant flower arrangements delivered at work, in the hope of collaborative approval from their co-workers. Maybe even another voice mail message claiming there’s something crucially important you have to speak to them about.

My controlling specialty was the art of the mixed tape. This was the late 80′s, after all, (see “Say Anything”) and we were not yet savvy about recording on to a CD. I would spend hours choosing my favorite power ballads that would tell ‘our story’ with the help of a few trusted friends like Bryan Ferry, Morrissey, Paul Young and Til Tuesday. Surely, once she realized the care and thought behind the music, she would HAVE to call!

The idea here is the 3rd phase of Control which is that as much as you might dupe others into partnering with you through your controlling, convincing and coercing, it is merely a reflection of the likelihood that they just may not want you!

As a good friend of mine once taught me: People do what they want to do… if they want to reach you, they’ll call; regardless of  your interventions! TRUST that, if nothing else.

That brings us to the 4th and final phase of Control: Surrender

There is nothing scarier to a control freak than letting go… It’s the equivalent of asking a shopaholic to give away her Prada collection to Goodwill!

But, remembering that our goal is to learn how to trust, we must forfeit our obsession with control and there is just no way around that other than the nuisance of surrender.

Picture a see-saw with TRUST seated on one side and CONTROL on the other.

The more we attempt to micro-manage our employees, enable our spouses or spoil our kids, the weight on the CONTROL side descends like an anchor, causing the side of TRUST to careen wildly skyward… smashing our egos barbarously against the ceiling of limitation!

Equally, as we learn to delegate, designate and deputize, we loosen the grip and TRUST soars composedly to the top, while our displaced need for CONTROL stays securely grounded.

So, you want to really be freaky?

Try letting go of the reactions of those around you; control yourself and see how the world responds.

TRUST ME!!

The Nuisance of Surrender by Jamie Greene is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

USC MAAA presents a new 2-part seminar series with Jamie Greene on The Path To Reinvention.

Reinvention: To change (something) so much that it appears entirely new.

How would you like to change your current work situation, bank account, career path, self-confidence or relationship so much, it appeared entirely new?

These are some of the opportunities available for you in this revealing seminar with a man who has reinvented himself countless times.

Topics include:

The 5 Secrets of Reinvention
Overcoming Professional Burnout
Finding Your Place
Achieving Clarity, Courage and Conviction
Personal Freedom

Date: Wednesday, October 6th & 20th 2010
Time: 7:00pm -9:00pm
Location: USC Mark Taper Hall (THH) 116

Please call USC MAAA office (213) 740 4735

USC MAAA presents a new 2-part seminar series with Jamie Greene on The Art of Negotiation.

Learn ways to embrace challenges in the workplace and overcome any fears of confrontation and conflict. You will discover the most essential quality of a good negotiator and learn techniques that you can take home with you and implement immediately.

Topics include:

The 10 Basics of Negotiating
Conflict Resolution with Challenging Personalities
Managerial Courage
C-P-R Technology (Context-Purpose-Results)
Managers vs. Leaders

Date: Thursday, August 12th & 19th 2010
Time: 7:00pm -9:00pm
Location: USC Mark Taper Hall (THH) 116

Please call USC MAAA office (213) 740 4735

Say NO to guilt! It isn’t even a real emotion; it’s as if we feel obliged to take on the feelings of someone close to us who needs us to feel their disappointment.

If there is one suggestion I can make to those of you needlessly suffering with “phantom” feelings of guilt… let it go – FAST! Whether you have a Jewish mum or a Baptist father, a needy room mate or co-dependent enabler, a stalking ex- or whining dog on the couch, DO NOT GET SUCKED IN!!

There seem to be many heavily-laden associations with guilt that we should understand before wholeheartedly succumbing to it.

Who taught us to feel responsible for their own disappointments? Who told us what we should be feeling or how we ought to respond? It’s not necessarily just our parents or grandparents. We learned it from TV shows, movies, novels, Police Officers, Headmasters, Sergeant Majors and Referees.

It’s in that “disapproving look” and dismissive turn of the head. The stern, harsh glance away and squint of the eye or raised eye brow. We are literally conditioned by Neuro-Linguistic-Programmed parenting and disciplinary maneuvers! The power of suggestion is indeed very compelling and you might be shocked to discover just how conditioned you have become by the meta-communication (body language/gestures) of those dear to you.

I have previously written about approval in “Well, Excuse Me!” so the angle here is more about how we internalize the projections of others. The correct term is “introjection” which is the unconscious adopting of the ideas or attitudes of others, as explained by Psychoanalysts in the mid-19th Century.

The idea being that we will internalize or “buy into” the projected feelings and attitudes of those around us to the degree that we feel an obligation to feel what they are experiencing – even if it may not actually be true for us!

It is their powerful conviction targeted towards us that strikes our vulnerable bulls eye!

So, what is the pay off for us?

We get to be directed and instructed how to think, feel and respond so we receive optimal approval and relief for having potentially offended or disappointed! Let’s face it, it requires no individuation or risk on our part… I mean who wants to invite the terror of  the victim-like rage we would likely receive from our audacious challenge?

There’s nothing worse than acting from obligation and emotional coercion.

We end up internalizing our resentment and become detached and withholding, while continuing to act in a “pseudo-mutual” or phony manner. This exacerbates our feelings of obligation and we resort to avoidance or passive-aggressive tactics of subtle retaliation!

It’s all so convoluted and draining and offers absolutely no value at all.

Guilty-free pleasures.

So, what are more effective and authentic ways to stop getting sucked into these alluring ploys of guilt?

• Know what you think and feel. No one else can convince you to feel anything other than what you are experiencing in your own emotional reality.
• Let go of trying to please others and allow them to have their own reactions and feelings of disappointment as a result.
• Stop pretending to agree with other people’s opinions and beliefs if they conflict with your own. Own it!
• The more you allow others to shape your responses, the more resentment and regret you will internalize.
• Start developing your own assertive expression and respond honestly. (For example: “I can appreciate you see it that way, but this is how I intend to proceed…”)
• Be willing to risk the relationship! If they insist on manipulating and devaluing you, why are you holding on to them? Even if it’s family, stand firm in your values and beliefs and let the chips fall where they lie.
• Finally, allow yourself the freedom to discover your own voice. There is nothing more empowering than clarity and conviction in your own beliefs, feelings and actions.

Stand by your (inner) Man/Woman!!

There will be more tips to follow on effective communication and I welcome your comments, questions and suggestions. Let’s have a dialogue…

Beyond Guilt by Jamie Greene is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

All it takes is a momentary vision for entire new frontiers to unfold before us. An instant captured, a glimpse.

This is all available. It has been for millennia. But you cannot go it alone. You must be invited, courted, guided.

I found such a guide and in the coming weeks, I will share my journeys with you.

There are days when all we see is what we know. Trapped in one-dimensional thinking, we cannot reach beyond our stretch, nor feel beneath our sensory cave. On these days, I ask for more.

This is what I heard…

A journey is a glimpse into what could be. The “work” is experiencing the reality where we can actually live it.

These are the poignant words of wisdom I recently received in guidance, as I diligently forged ahead through the Amazon of my over-intellectualized mind. How refreshing to know that there is another way to see, another way to think and another way to be. But, we can only get there through image-making.

It’s probably why we are all so obsessed with movies that make us cry, scream and leap out of our seats. The images on the screen give us hope and excitement and carry us far from the mundane confines of the cineplex walls.

I want to travel. I want to see vistas with no fees, reservations or placards. No backpack. No duffel or carry-on.

Just a pathway and a clearing and an open ticket to journey. Like the wardrobe in Narnia, I want to step through a portal into a world where the natives aren’t restless, the weather is temperate and the vines guide and twist their arms in embrace.

The first lesson brought a simple message that touched a nerve buried inside me… a deep need to belong.

We are all driven by a need for belonging. It’s only when we step outside the group that we begin to recognize the well traveled path of a soul searcher.

Remember, this is the purpose of this web site: For me to serve as a personal guide for those of you whose previous pathways have led you to dead ends and dismay.

The journey is the reward. We will walk it together. I welcome your comments and questions.

Pack ‘em up, move ‘em out…

A Glimpse by Jamie Greene is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

Beware your inner Saboteur: he’s that little bugger who will pull your own rug out, just as you take your final step of the victory lap.

It doesn’t make sense, right? The stunning Super Model who has the world in the palm of her hand while she destroys herself with bulimia and a string of abusive boyfriends. The entrepreneur who throws away millions in a reckless wager in Vegas.

How about the recovering alcoholic with 20 years sobriety under his belt who relapses at his 20 year high school reunion?

They all have one thing in common… sabotage!

The origin of the word comes from ‘sabot‘, a 17th Century french shoe worn by peasants who would throw them into the gears of machines to willfully destroy them. Sounds like a Provincial version of throwing the toys out of the pram!

Of course, we’ve become more discreet in our destruction these days: Failed diets, blowing the retirement money, playing hooky, flirting with the waitress in front of the wife or rejecting the only partner who could actually make a commitment! These are all classic maneuvers of our hidden inner Saboteur.

The intention… to convince us we just don’t deserve.

For all the strife and angst we agonize over, sometimes we’d rather pitifully hold on to our familiar failings than risk braving change and accomplishment (See Fear of Success) . But what about those of us who are willing to compete for our success… why might we also ‘shoot ourselves in the foot?’

Quite simply, sabotage is a mechanism we employ to keep from crossing the finish line.

Like avoiding the completion of a gripping novel or the anti-climactic end to a wedding party, we just want more! What better way to prolong the vacation than last-minute packing and missing the plane? Genius in its unconscious inception but not the most direct approach to avoid going back to work.

So close and yet, so far.

You’ve probably heard the classic one about the wild stag night, where the promise of a committed relationship is often destroyed by the Saboteur’s need to experience a few more nights of bachelorhood!

Are we aware of this self-destructive mechanism within us? Can we do anything to stop ourselves from sabotage, despite our fully recognizing the negative consequences?

That’s up to you… What are you willing to give up?

No more escape routes or ‘extenuating circumstances’. No caveats, no grace periods, learning curves or ignorance of the law. Not another scapegoat or naïve bystander. No blind spots, black-outs or dissociating.

None of these slogans will work any longer: I can’t believe that came out of my mouth! You only hurt the ones you love! What was I thinking? I can’t help myself. Do as I say, not as I do. And the best… I said I’m sorry!

If you can give up all of these justifications for sabotage, you might just conquer self-defeat.

After all, who else is running your show?

Beware The Saboteur by Jamie Greene is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

Wishing your good mood would last forever is a bit like keeping your favorite haircut at the ‘ideal length’ without it ever growing out!

You see our moods are designed to change constantly, just as hunger is sure to return following the most satisfying meal. It’s just a matter of time, and the challenge is how you handle it.

Why are we subject to such fluidity of emotions?

It’s not important. Don’t worry about it! You see, you can’t stop your thoughts, can you? Well, guess where your moods originate… unconscious thinking!

I know, it’s a cheeky paradox, but it’s the truth. Your moods, feelings and emotions all stem from thoughts flying through your head at any given moment; some you are aware of and most you are not. Just as a seed must always precede the fruit, there is a crucial step in-between. Let’s call it the ‘trunk.’

If the seed represents our thoughts, the trunk represents our moods or emotions and the fruit is the manifestation of our actions, then it’s clear that the sequence must always follow thoughts-feelings-actions. In the same way that in nature the trunk cannot exist before the seed, our moods therefore stem from our thoughts, beliefs and interpretations.

If you want to have a better grasp of your moods, pay close attention to what’s going on in your head…

If it was really as simple as waking up on the wrong side of the bed, we would have switched sides and started the day over, right? You’ll find that those anxious worries and prior unresolved conflicts are responsible for causing the bad mood in the morning.

And don’t expect your feelings to change with a vanilla latte, chocolate croissant or a Marlboro lite! Only by addressing the conflict that is evoking the thoughts that trigger your moods will you shift how you are feeling and responding.

Pay close attention how to control yourself once you are triggered (see High Anxiety: Mea Culpa). Your goal should be that your moods and attitudes become ‘bulletproof.’ That means that no matter how unreasonable or unfair the circumstance you find yourself facing, NOTHING justifies a raging outburst or verbal assault. It will only be YOU who takes the hit.

Remember, we are operating under the sequence of cause-and-effect in this world, so blame and abdicating personal responsibility for the way you feel and behave will just keep you in a lousy mood!

So, the only thing you can do about it is how you handle you about it!

Swing Shift by Jamie Greene is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

There’s no such thing as fear of success… it’s the fear of failing once you succeed!

Fear sucks. It literally sucks all our ambition, confidence and trust into a black hole we come to know as our self-esteem.

I was once grocery shopping, pleasantly minding my own business when all of a sudden, I noticed an acquaintance standing at the end of the aisle, pondering spaghetti sauces. How intrusive… this is my supermarket! All at once, I found myself darting down the adjacent aisle, hoping not to have been discovered, just to preserve a few more moments of domestic anonymity.

And all the while, an inner bully taunted me with shudders of rejection and intimate panic at the very notion that I might be ‘outed’ in an unscripted vulnerable moment of a real life encounter!

As a clinician I was never clear what self-esteem really meant so I looked it up in my Pocket Oxford and it became clear all at once; derived from the Latin verb, aestimare, it means to estimate or compare. Who knew?

Of course, that’s precisely how we torment ourselves with awful comparisons that evoke feelings of inadequacy, deficiency and deflation!

I soon discovered I was keeping good company… numerous vexed souls who would pour in through my office, declaring their afflictions with the dreaded plague of low self-esteem. It must be in epidemic worldwide proportions by now. I mean, how many friends of yours are blessed with bountifully soaring secure personalities?

It’s as if it’s the world’s worst kept secret… none of us like ourselves that much in the depths of our core!

Horrible. We need to address this and fix it good and proper.

It may be one of the biggest misconceptions I’ve noticed over the years and I hear it from people all the time… “I can’t do it… it’s my fear of success!” Poppycock!! No one really fears success. We crave success, abundance, happiness, wealth, acknowledgment and praise. We yearn for unconditional love and acceptance, to be cherished, adored and flattered. But it’s so terribly awkward and affronting, attempting to negotiate a way past the ominous bully of our self-esteem.

If you believe you are one of the afflicted, it’s likely because you are afraid to take risks and worry about being judged or rejected if you fail. Well, guess what? No matter how much you strive for perfection and flawless eminence, there is always going to be someone out there who thinks you’re a shmuck!

There’s something deceptively comforting about our familiar failings. In fact, many of us would rather maintain this fruitless routine of fraternizing with the bully of low self-esteemville than risk confronting him head on and chasing him out of town!

We want to succeed, we just can’t bear the thought of having all that success slip away again, once we finally make it! (Read that again)

So, what’s the risk of confronting this bully disguised as the fear of success? He might make his perennial return to intimidate you again and again. Yet, it’s always in our control to be the root of our own success and failings. No one to blame or avoid, no one to rescue us from the black hole of despondency; not even a search party looking for us. Ouch!

There’s a legacy of success story after success story that teaches us indispensable wisdom that only through repeated failures can one truly derive enduring success.

So it comes down to this…

Pick yourself up; dust yourself off; get back on the saddle; up from the count; head down, chin up and chase that bully right out of town, (or at least down the next aisle).

Oh, and run to greet any unforeseen shopping buddies!

Fear of Success…Not! by Jamie Greene is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.