Jamie Greene

As we bring in 2012 and await the Mayan version of Y2K, I thought a pertinent theme to start the year to be that of warnings and cautions!

For many years, one of my areas of specialty has been anxiety disorders. I have spent over two decades educating clients and students alike on the ins and outs of the signals and triggers of anxiety. I’ve found that through education and practical explanation, many of the common daily symptoms of generalized anxiety subside by demystifying the mischievous miscreant of the mind.

I explain that anxiety is merely a signal of conflict lurking beneath the surface, insistently tapping on the door of our psyche, demanding to be acknowledged. The more we turn him away, the louder his knocks and the more frequent and intrusive his visits…

Be warned that eventually he’ll pound the door down with a heart-racing panic and likely over stay his welcome!

Prevention or Reparation?
I have always reminded my clients that the key to a crisis-free life is prevention. (After all, there’s a reason we clear fire roads before fire season). That means paying attention to the signals and cautionary warnings when conflict is afoot. However, it requires self-awareness, presence and a pinch of self-control to heed the warnings life offers us…

Much like the warning lights on a car dashboard, our essential task is to pay attention immediately and take every sign as a helpful hint for some necessary trouble shooting.

No one should presume the oil isn’t running low or the check engine light faulty just because you don’t hear a knocking sound under the hood and no steam spewing from the radiator!

Warning Signs
It might be a raging temper, a nasty outbreak of hives or a panic attack that unceremoniously sends you to the ER… no matter what your conflict - it’s all preventable!

It’s merely a matter of knowing thyself. Like developing the tolerance to manage agitation before it swells into a storming gale of rage. The patience to quietly listen to your partner as they mirror your misgivings and foibles, or risk the wrath of their frustrated outburst. Their curt retorts are but flashing lights on the marital dashboard!

Mirror-Signal-Maneuver
Learning to drive in England in the late 70′s, I will never forget my strict instructor’s admonishment to first check the mirror, then make my signal and only when safe, make my move. How profound that so many of life’s challenges and conflicts might be addressed through this sacred sequence…

So here’s my 3-step instruction for those of you behind the wheel of life’s strife:

1. When conflict strikes – first look in the mirror. What is being triggered deep inside that has you so upset, hurt or agitated?

2. What are the signals of conflict that you’ve been overlooking that demand your attention and care? Go there first. Be willing to look under your own hood and be prepared for grime and debris awaiting you.

3. Once you’ve safely regained control of the wheel, move gently into traffic, but keep to your own lane!

If you’re willing to follow these 3 steps to an accountable self, there is no fight, disagreement or misunderstanding that can derail you.

It also couldn’t hurt to pay attention to the way you’re driving… just saying!

A Cautionary Tale by Jamie Greene is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

With the disheartening statistics of divorce in mind, I took it upon myself to find out what men and women really look for as essential qualities for true lasting connection... The results are as old fashioned as apple pie!

     Honest Eyes                         Unconditional Support

With a little help from my facebook Friends…

For the purpose of exploring real desires of men and women, I gathered the responses of  75 women and 60 men from two different questions: (I changed the question for the men since they tend to focus on physical qualities rather than on deeper needs)

Ladies: What is the most essential quality you look for in a man?

Their responses covered over 20 different qualities with the 2 most popular qualities being INTEGRITY and FUNNY.

Yes, ladies, it seems that if a bloke has a good enough sense of humor and makes you laugh, (while not taking himself too seriously) you’ll forgive him, even if he’s acting like a stubborn selfish jerk! If he happens to have kind eyes and opens the door for you, that might well be grounds for some Monday Night Football with the fellas.

It would appear that if he knows who he is and is authentic and loyal, you’ll cut him some slack when he struggles to express himself. If he has a confident masculine edge and is honorable and shows you respect, you’ll even overlook his pride as you tell him “I told you so…” (although he loves the fact that you’re always right, it’s still hard for him to admit it).

But above all, as one young lady stated quite eloquently, “…having a great sense of humor weeds out a lot of unattractive character flaws”. While another optimistic spouse of 20 years declared, “When all else fails you can always use a laugh!”

Gents: What do you most need from a woman in a relationship?

The mens’ responses covered 10 different qualities and several different body types!
Assuming we can disregard the Maxim cover girl with a law degree and Cordon Bleu training, that leaves us with the top 2 qualities being UNCONDITIONALLY ACCEPTING and LOVING.

So, for the men, it really just might be true that if you always have his back and allow him to be the man he always wanted to be, there is a good chance that he might be more present for you and look you in the eyes for a few moments longer.

Should you allow him his freedom to express himself on his own terms, there’s every indication that he might indulge you in one of those quiet nights in. Better yet, as one of my dear colleagues requested, “…if she can both appreciate all that I am right now — and push me lovingly to be better still,” I think you might well hit the jackpot – an emotionally-available man with a big vision and a true leader!

One thing seems to have emerged over the past few decades; we seem to have become pickier in our choice of partners, yet rather conditional in our commitment.

Based on many of the responses, this phenomenon appears to be equally true for my gay friends.

Which leaves me curious about how our parents and grandparents, (many of whom mastered the art of lasting commitment in long term marriage) were able to figure all this out with a modicum of fuss and drama.

Was it a deeper level of commitment to their wedding vows? Did they simply believe that love conquers all? Was it merely less bombardment of choices in the media and social-sexual awareness? Were they even happier just because they stayed together or did they just “tough it out”?

I suppose we could ask them, if we could only get them on facebook!

*I would love to hear from you with any stories you have from your parents or grandparents as to how they made it work.*

Maybe it’s as simple as fun-loving unconditional acceptance and integrity, or is it just a sign of the times?

Til Stress Do Us Part! by Jamie Greene is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

The “battle of the sexes” would appear to be alive and thriving in our homes, businesses and communities. I use the term battle loosely as I believe there to be a big misconception about the function and purpose of conflict between men and women.

How Dare You…

Many of the men I coach express frustration at the endless testing they receive from their wives or girlfriends and even become insulted that the tests do not stop. Well, it’s no wonder they are further aggravated to learn from me that the tests are not supposed to stop! Mmmm.

It’s an important re-frame and perspective shift I give men and I feel it would be helpful to clue the ladies in on exactly why we welcome your tests.

Picture a wintry scene with the first snow fall covering the ground and a small pond frozen over at the end of the garden. Your small children excitedly run to try their best figure of eights, but you grab them by the scruff of the neck and urgently yell “Hold on there kids – not so fast!!”

As their paternal protector, you grab the largest stick you can find and hit the surface of the frozen pond to make sure the ice is solid enough to bare the weight of your precious kids. You test the surface several times before you feel confident that it’s safe for them to play. Then, and only then, do you get to enjoy the squeals of joy as they skate their wintry days away.

But, as the advent of Spring draws closer, you sense it’s time to check on that icy surface for fear the conditions may change. So, for the well being and protection of your family’s safety, you look for that stick and continually re-assess the ice, knowing that one day, it may not be safe for them to skate on the pond.

Rite of Safe Passage

Let me ask you men, at any time in our wintry scene does the ice become insulted??
You see, the purpose for testing the ice was to ensure the ongoing safety of the kids.

In the very same way, a woman will continue to test her man to ensure the well being and safety of her relationship and to make sure she is on solid ground with him.

As men, we should be flattered and honored that she looks for us to be her rock, knowing that we are the ones who provide that safety in the relationship. No harm, no foul.

This is merely one of the many ways that conflict strengthens us and brings us closer together. But remember the following:

Ladies – make sure you know why you’re testing him... There’s no snow in summer!

Gents – make sure you pass her tests!

Icy Conditions Ahead by Jamie Greene is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Personal development is like being under construction; make sure to warn your friends and loved ones that debris will be falling!

I remember seeing those apartment buildings in the San Fernando Valley surrounded by wire fences following the aftermath of the 1994 Northridge earthquake, thinking it was such a powerful metaphor for the process we tend to undergo in therapy and coaching.

The shaken tenants had to endure the discomfort and inconvenience of being relocated during retrofitting and reconstruction, in much the same way as we go through the difficulty of being inspected by our coaches, shrinks and sponsors, on admitting our need for help.

Get Ready For Rubble…

Just as the plaster and ornate facades are stripped off the cracked walls and ceilings revealing the brick and dry wall posts beneath, so goes the way of our ego, grandiosity and character flaws into the dumpster!

As many of you know, it’s not pretty…There’s rubble, dirt and muddy puddles everywhere we step and a very high risk of debris falling from above.

Hard Hat Area… Look Up!

This is what I term the Hard Hat Area of self-improvement!
It’s important to forewarn your loved ones and ‘suitors’ that you are likely not to be at your best during reconstruction, since your focus will tend to be self-absorbed and riddled with guilt, shame and introspection.

This is not meant to serve as an excuse to be a lousy spouse or irresponsible, rather a reality check of the unnatural and often messy process of personal
transformation.

Just as the foundation and walls of the buildings felled by the earthquake were strengthened and rebuilt with sturdier structure, so will you learn resilience to the pressures of personal responsibility and continuous relationship tremors!

In the coaching world, reconstruction and reinvention are part and parcel of the work. It should be fast, poignant and empowering. Let’s face it, no one wants to live without a roof for too long. Just make sure your “contractor” is
skilled and has a blueprint for change that matches your vision.

Work In Progress…

Be prepared to be patient and steadfast on your journey of reconstruction.

It’s a little like the Movie Director who excitedly shows his burgeoning new Producer the story boards for his vision of the movie, only to be met with dismay and confusion, as he merely pictures pencil sketches, rather than the visual masterpiece of the eventual finished product.

Remember, the time will soon come when you’ll re-open your heart and your doors to guests and tenants alike,“Under New Management”.

Until then, don your hard hat and look up!

Life – Under Construction! by Jamie Greene is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Ever feel like a damsel in distress lying in wait for your knight only for him to be too busy shining his armor? Have I got some tips for all of you choosing unavailable men…

It must be the most consistent trait I see in virtually every woman I have counseled; choosing Sir Lacks-a-lot!

(As you’ll soon see, this phenomenon equally applies to many of my gay friends)

It’s as if there’s some kind of medieval dormant gene in your psyche that summons forth the Barren Knight to awaken. Of course, you don’t see this most elusive hidden quality in yourselves, let alone your suitors, but you’ll agree that it’s a self-defeating pattern that always ends in tears.

Let’s understand this nasty ancient curse.

An honest fair maiden eagerly awaits her soul mate to sweep her off her feet and over the threshold, only to discover that her knight is merely passing through, en route to his next joust. So many gauntlets… but few hands that fit. You would have thought that his iron-clad armor was enough of a clue that he wouldn’t be too inwardly mobile.

By that I mean that unavailable men do not introspect! For in order for them to look inside themselves, they would have to ask for assistance to remove their armor and therein lies the root of your curse…

There are essential clues that you need to recognize in an unavailable man.

First and foremost, there is a reason he wears an iron suit. Nothing is getting through that wall, least of all you! ‘Tis brave a man who can remove his mask and look deep within his soul’s yearning. Um, sorry that is not your man.

You will also recognize him by his frugality of purse (he’s cheap!) and it’s no consolation seeing his generous potential if it will take him a lifetime to spend it. Remember… generous of heart, plentiful in love; benevolent in spirit, abundant in his spiritual growth. But, iron clad in his proclamations, ample chagrin for a damsel’s needs.

More clues…

Pay attention to the way he talks about women, all women. Mothers, sisters, ex-wives, bosses, girlfriends, co-workers, the lot. He will soon be talking about you the same way. How might that sound?

Getting dismayed yet?

Then there’s the matter of manners. Does he have a code of honor he lives by? Does he open your doors, pull out your chair, walk behind you and return your calls promptly? Well, 3 out of 4 ‘aint bad!

There is another way to choose your man wisely. Check the quality of his raw materials! That may sound vulgar, but I’m referring to his core qualities and values that make him the man he is.

You wouldn’t build your dream home from rotten wood, cracked beams and flimsy tiles, so why settle for less than ‘Grade A’ quality man stuff! You need to see that his integrity is consistent, that his deeds match his words, his honor lies in tact and his reputation is first class among his peers.

Never met his fellow knights and elders or notice he’s become distant and aloof? Sure, give him his SPACE so he can work through how much he loves you,  just not that in love with you! (Brutal)

If you’re honest with your ‘man choice’, how much of these qualities did you check before you plunged into commitment escrow?

Be not dismayed and have faith in this… In every curse there lies a blessing.

An opportunity to look deep into your soul, and ask earnestly if it is the knight who disappoints, or the maiden who deceives herself?

Who is cursed… the rusty knight or the damsel distressed?

Will this riddle be solved by he who pursues or who peruses the clues?

Curse of The Unavailable Man (A Knight To Forget!) by Jamie Greene is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

We are too busy trying to control the things we have no business controlling and relinquishing control where we have absolute domination.

As an admitted control freak myself, I feel fully qualified to expound on the trials and tribulations of life’s greatest paradox…

The more controlling we are, the less we trust and feel at peace!

Come to think of it, I don’t believe I know anyone who isn’t somewhat controlling. Consider the agitated freeway driver who adamantly refuses to let you in to his lane from the on-ramp, or the nervous blind date companion who repeatedly calls the maître d’ to confirm his reservation in the back patio, by the twinkly lights, but not too close to the noisy street!

How about your movie buddy who always orders the tickets ahead to save from selling out, only for you to realize that you never manage to get to see the movies you like! (Ok, that one was me)

Then there’s the landlord who only accepts cashier’s checks to his PO Box, the neighbor who incessantly vacuums the living room or that know-it-all friend who exhausts you with thesaurus-like bragging!

What’s important to understand is that control and trust are polar opposites!

The more controlling we are just reveals the extent of our mistrust and fear of letting go. Here’s a classic example of how I first discovered my battle with trust versus control…

I was 23 and in the peak of my research on the ultimate elusive woman (See the post on Curse of the Unavailable Man for further insights on that conundrum). Remember that early phase of dating where the endorphins flow freely through our system, we can metabolize an entire pizza in 10 minutes without the hindrance of any unwanted bloating and we have the energy to leap tall buildings in a single bound?

She was an actress-model-marine biologist, we had gone out several times and there seemed to be a mutual admiration and excitement building between us. So much so that I boldly left one of those sweet, exuberant 1988 answer phone messages and may have let it slip how much I liked her. You know that movie moment after you hang up the phone and wish you could go back to the future to erase the message and pretend it never happened… Too late!

I proceeded to endure the next 4 or 5 hours anxiously obsessing on her returning my call. And yet… nothing. Fine, I’ll get her to call me… (CONTROL WARNING!!)

Here begins our 1st phase of control; obsessive vigils and psychological surveillance running wild in our heads!

It’s the moment where we come up with an assortment of explanations as to why they don’t call; No cellular reception in Laurel Canyon, busy day of auditions and call-backs, beginning a new week of Vipassana silence and meditation. You name it, we rationalize it!

Frantic attempts to get a response is our 2nd phase of control.

This is where we pull out all the stops to justify some kind of response from the object of our affection/obsession immediately. We become ingeniously creative in this stage… emergency breakthroughs in collusion with the Operator, extravagant flower arrangements delivered at work, in the hope of collaborative approval from their co-workers. Maybe even another voice mail message claiming there’s something crucially important you have to speak to them about.

My controlling specialty was the art of the mixed tape. This was the late 80′s, after all, (see “Say Anything”) and we were not yet savvy about recording on to a CD. I would spend hours choosing my favorite power ballads that would tell ‘our story’ with the help of a few trusted friends like Bryan Ferry, Morrissey, Paul Young and Til Tuesday. Surely, once she realized the care and thought behind the music, she would HAVE to call!

The idea here is the 3rd phase of Control which is that as much as you might dupe others into partnering with you through your controlling, convincing and coercing, it is merely a reflection of the likelihood that they just may not want you!

As a good friend of mine once taught me: People do what they want to do… if they want to reach you, they’ll call; regardless of  your interventions! TRUST that, if nothing else.

That brings us to the 4th and final phase of Control: Surrender

There is nothing scarier to a control freak than letting go… It’s the equivalent of asking a shopaholic to give away her Prada collection to Goodwill!

But, remembering that our goal is to learn how to trust, we must forfeit our obsession with control and there is just no way around that other than the nuisance of surrender.

Picture a see-saw with TRUST seated on one side and CONTROL on the other.

The more we attempt to micro-manage our employees, enable our spouses or spoil our kids, the weight on the CONTROL side descends like an anchor, causing the side of TRUST to careen wildly skyward… smashing our egos barbarously against the ceiling of limitation!

Equally, as we learn to delegate, designate and deputize, we loosen the grip and TRUST soars composedly to the top, while our displaced need for CONTROL stays securely grounded.

So, you want to really be freaky?

Try letting go of the reactions of those around you; control yourself and see how the world responds.

TRUST ME!!

The Nuisance of Surrender by Jamie Greene is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

USC MAAA presents a new 2-part seminar series with Jamie Greene on The Art of Negotiation.

Learn ways to embrace challenges in the workplace and overcome any fears of confrontation and conflict. You will discover the most essential quality of a good negotiator and learn techniques that you can take home with you and implement immediately.

Topics include:

The 10 Basics of Negotiating
Conflict Resolution with Challenging Personalities
Managerial Courage
C-P-R Technology (Context-Purpose-Results)
Managers vs. Leaders

Date: Thursday, August 12th & 19th 2010
Time: 7:00pm -9:00pm
Location: USC Mark Taper Hall (THH) 116

Please call USC MAAA office (213) 740 4735

Were you one of those kids who had to ask to be excused at the dinner table? I bet you’re still looking for permission to be happy, make more money, please your boss and speak your truth. Do yourself a favor… excuse yourself!

It’s tough living in our heads. Self-validation feels so corny and unsatisfying compared to full fledged approval from our friends, family and cohorts. I see so many people seeking approval from those they barely respect or admire and I wonder what on earth motivates them?

If you don’t care for the poor soul you are seeking attention from then at least allow them the right to scowl at you, dislike your fashion sense, hairstyle, recent blog post or updates on Facebook. What’s the worst that could happen? They think you have lousy taste? They wouldn’t choose that halter top from BCBG, let alone put it together with the skirt from DKNY?

We seem to have an acceptable double standard when it comes to taste and style. We reserve the right to reject advances from undesirables, yet obsess with abandon if we don’t get a return email from the ‘hot suitor’ on eHarmony. We ask to be excused as we barge through a fellow shopper or bystander at the mall. Actually we don’t ask, more demand ‘excuse me!’ As if it were a choice.

Yup, it’s all gone horribly wrong, yet it just comes down to risk. There is a certain tedium in plowing through our dilemmas alone, no one to burden with our inner struggles over crucial decisions. If you’re a Libra then you really know what I’m talking about.

I once was on a blind date with a Libra who literally wrestled for 20 minutes over the menu, only to burst into tears 30 seconds after the waitress ran her order over to the kitchen. Another one of my charming snide remarks to her about her culinary assay? Not even close… she just felt awful about ordering the wrong dish! Now that’s no honorable battle, I thought. And so it is with decisions for us all.

Of course we want to do the right thing, make the right move and feel triumphant in our every endeavor, but there is just no substitute for taking risks. How would we ever figure out who we are if we didn’t learn to stand for something. Even a little toddler goes for it when making his first attempts at standing and walking and keeps getting back up after days of toppling. It’s in our genes to persevere, or we would have been wiped out millennia ago.

So, stop cheating the system and thinking you’re going to get away with avoiding the risk of disapproval. If you demand the right to object and disagree with others, (especially my views on these posts) then your antagonists will be coming for you. Be prepared, not scared. There is also a huge bonus waiting for you on the other side of that abyss… liberation!

Imagine the freedom coming your way and the additional reserves of energy you will have available to you, usually tied up in self-torment. But, be forewarned, as you might awaken a sleeping giant once you shatter the shackles of people-pleasing.

So, go ahead… do yourself a favor and excuse yourself!

Well, Excuse Me! by Jamie Greene is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

Our yearning to belong stems from a deep longing to be…

Am I alone in craving to feel more connected? probably not. Am I off track to be constantly looking for more personal interactions with friends and family? I doubt it. Is anyone out there blogging about it? Who knows?

Here I go…

I had an intimately powerful experience this weekend. Indeed, I had no idea that intimacy could have power. I always associated intimacy with vulnerability and softness. Not so.

If you’ve ever had the gift of “immersing” yourself in the care of trusted friends, there’s a strength in surrendering to their collective wisdom. We don’t see ourselves as we are. We barely see ourselves as we’d like to be. We see only our limited idea of who we are. That’s the gift of friendship. Assuming you have friends you can trust.

How would you know?

Over the decades, my idea of friendship has chopped and changed… A friend is someone who tells you the truth; a man who treats you like a man; a woman who reflects your feminine side; a mother who nurtures your ‘inner child’; a child who brings out your vulnerability; someone who’s always ‘got your back’; a friend in need and, of course, ‘friends with benefits!’ (That never ends well!)

For me, friend-ship is a vessel on which we can sail the high seas and safely journey to land’s end.

You don’t need one captain, just a loyal crew. It’s the collective value of “all-hands-on-deck” when the storm blows in. Here’s what I discovered this weekend with my friends…

Friends + Trust + Truth Serum =  A Love Bomb!

Call me sentimental, but I would rather spend my days with authentic warmth around me than the chilly breeze that tends to chaperon the fair-weathered folk.

So, if you long to know the value of your friends, allow them to show you… you belong, with them.

All Hands On Deck by Jamie Greene is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.