Jamie Greene

If you were ever to find yourself at the cliff’s edge on a foggy day, so thick you could barely see your hand in front of your face, and you realized that your next step would plunge you on to the rocks below – and in the next instant the fog cleared… wouldn’t you instantly know what action to take?

Maybe you’ve become confused or disenchanted by the empty promises of spiritual pathways, eager to change your life circumstance, plagued by fear and regret of missed opportunities or at a crossroads in your life and unsure which fork to take.

As your personal coach, I am available to do one-on-one private sessions and serve as your personal guide to help you make courageous decisions and changes in your life.

When the fog clears, we see vistas and landscapes that purge any fear, doubt, confusion or hesitation

If you feel the fog closing in around you and you’re ready to move away from the cliff’s edge, I honor you for your bravery to open your heart and mind to the landscape about to be revealed to you.

Remember, it was there all along… cloaked in fog.

Off The Couch Consulting, Inc.

To set up a one-on-one private coaching session in person or by phone, please contact me at: jamie@jamiegreene.la

You can also leave me a confidential voice message on (310) 906 0116

Clearing The Fog by Jamie Greene is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Personal development is like being under construction; make sure to warn your friends and loved ones that debris will be falling!

I remember seeing those apartment buildings in the San Fernando Valley surrounded by wire fences following the aftermath of the 1994 Northridge earthquake, thinking it was such a powerful metaphor for the process we tend to undergo in therapy and coaching.

The shaken tenants had to endure the discomfort and inconvenience of being relocated during retrofitting and reconstruction, in much the same way as we go through the difficulty of being inspected by our coaches, shrinks and sponsors, on admitting our need for help.

Get Ready For Rubble…

Just as the plaster and ornate facades are stripped off the cracked walls and ceilings revealing the brick and dry wall posts beneath, so goes the way of our ego, grandiosity and character flaws into the dumpster!

As many of you know, it’s not pretty…There’s rubble, dirt and muddy puddles everywhere we step and a very high risk of debris falling from above.

Hard Hat Area… Look Up!

This is what I term the Hard Hat Area of self-improvement!
It’s important to forewarn your loved ones and ‘suitors’ that you are likely not to be at your best during reconstruction, since your focus will tend to be self-absorbed and riddled with guilt, shame and introspection.

This is not meant to serve as an excuse to be a lousy spouse or irresponsible, rather a reality check of the unnatural and often messy process of personal
transformation.

Just as the foundation and walls of the buildings felled by the earthquake were strengthened and rebuilt with sturdier structure, so will you learn resilience to the pressures of personal responsibility and continuous relationship tremors!

In the coaching world, reconstruction and reinvention are part and parcel of the work. It should be fast, poignant and empowering. Let’s face it, no one wants to live without a roof for too long. Just make sure your “contractor” is
skilled and has a blueprint for change that matches your vision.

Work In Progress…

Be prepared to be patient and steadfast on your journey of reconstruction.

It’s a little like the Movie Director who excitedly shows his burgeoning new Producer the story boards for his vision of the movie, only to be met with dismay and confusion, as he merely pictures pencil sketches, rather than the visual masterpiece of the eventual finished product.

Remember, the time will soon come when you’ll re-open your heart and your doors to guests and tenants alike,“Under New Management”.

Until then, don your hard hat and look up!

Life – Under Construction! by Jamie Greene is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

I recently had an illuminating session with a couple who have strongly opposing views of the world. Or so it seemed…

The question of the meaning of life comes up at least 3 times a day in my coaching work with clients these days. Maybe it’s the current spate of natural disasters and global tragedies and seeming randomness and injustice of it all, but the question keeps coming - Why?

Far be it for me to be the authority on such matters, but I do believe that part of my role as coach and voice of reason is to help others make sense of the world around them. To that end, the matter of life’s purpose must be readily accessible to all of us, rather than remain a perpetually ambiguous existential dilemma.

One Good Reason
We all need a good reason to leap out of bed in the morning…
A reason to smile,
Someone to serve,
A cause to fight for,
An object for our affection,
A task to strive for,
A purpose to fulfill,
A gift to bring to the world.

So, what is the source of meaning and how does God fit into all of this?
Let’s go back to my couple and their heated debate. Like many of us, they are struggling with a common dispute of the existence of God, a Higher Source behind all creation.

He is an atheist and she is extremely spiritual.
Her argument: Spirituality is not about God or religion.
His stance: There is no God and we are hurtling towards chaos… You get the picture?

In listening to their passionate debate, I realized that she just wanted to feel closer to him and share her ‘embracing’ view of life. Yet, he stood firm so as not to be ‘smothered’ by her religious dogma, rituals and ceremonies. Their challenge… how could they love each other and establish a deeper commitment with such opposing views of reality?

Agnostic Ambivalence
In approaching this tricky impasse, I cut to the core of where they were really struggling as a couple. She felt he was limiting their intimacy with his spiritual resistance. He envied her grounded, peaceful demeanor and grace, while fretting with relentless anxiety over the minutiae of his day-to-day pressures.

It seemed clear to me that this apparent chasm of purpose between them was really not so wide. After all, he acknowledged she was happy and purposeful in her spiritual approach to life, yet he was miserably angst-ridden in his God-less existence! He longed for the joy and zest she exuded and confessed to feeling trapped in his awkward agnostic ambivalence.

My assessment: Like all struggling couples, they both want to feel calm, centered and close; both yearning for joy and limitless revelry. They just want to feel that there is a purpose for their being together and for their love to flow.

It seems he is a spiritual fellow after all! He understood that spirituality is actually inside us. It’s our awareness, presence, and the meaning we bring to every moment. A spiritual atheist… I like that!

Altar Ego
One could assert there is no need for rituals or ceremonies in order to feel joy and passion. Often times, a ritual is a daily discipline to practice self-control, containment or compassion. It has its purpose in our lives to keep us focused and on track.

We could look at a workout at the gym as a ritual to build stamina, increase muscle mass and decrease body fat. The treadmill as our altar, the gym our Temple and the members, our congregation. We no more ‘worship’ the treadmill through ritualistic cardio-training than sitting quietly meditating to clear our minds in a quiet patio.

The assertion that these practices make us strangely religious is of course ludicrous. It’s a little like assuming a ‘couch potato’ an agnostic!

Our Essential Task
The need for meaning and purpose, therefore, exists in all of us and manifests uniquely. Our essential task is to find our gift. But, without meaning and direction, the expression of one’s gift is stifled.

It’s a bit like having a talent that you never get to express. Does it really even exist if there is no one to share it with? We’ve been given gifted talents for the sole purpose of their expression.

If you write, express it with purpose; if you sing, belt it from the roof tops; if you’re an athlete, knock it out of the park and if your gift is to connect with people, then give them all you’ve got!

It has been said that true power is the gift of being fully present.
Now that’s a cause worth fighting for!

God And A Treadmill by Jamie Greene is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Were you one of those kids who had to ask to be excused at the dinner table? I bet you’re still looking for permission to be happy, make more money, please your boss and speak your truth. Do yourself a favor… excuse yourself!

It’s tough living in our heads. Self-validation feels so corny and unsatisfying compared to full fledged approval from our friends, family and cohorts. I see so many people seeking approval from those they barely respect or admire and I wonder what on earth motivates them?

If you don’t care for the poor soul you are seeking attention from then at least allow them the right to scowl at you, dislike your fashion sense, hairstyle, recent blog post or updates on Facebook. What’s the worst that could happen? They think you have lousy taste? They wouldn’t choose that halter top from BCBG, let alone put it together with the skirt from DKNY?

We seem to have an acceptable double standard when it comes to taste and style. We reserve the right to reject advances from undesirables, yet obsess with abandon if we don’t get a return email from the ‘hot suitor’ on eHarmony. We ask to be excused as we barge through a fellow shopper or bystander at the mall. Actually we don’t ask, more demand ‘excuse me!’ As if it were a choice.

Yup, it’s all gone horribly wrong, yet it just comes down to risk. There is a certain tedium in plowing through our dilemmas alone, no one to burden with our inner struggles over crucial decisions. If you’re a Libra then you really know what I’m talking about.

I once was on a blind date with a Libra who literally wrestled for 20 minutes over the menu, only to burst into tears 30 seconds after the waitress ran her order over to the kitchen. Another one of my charming snide remarks to her about her culinary assay? Not even close… she just felt awful about ordering the wrong dish! Now that’s no honorable battle, I thought. And so it is with decisions for us all.

Of course we want to do the right thing, make the right move and feel triumphant in our every endeavor, but there is just no substitute for taking risks. How would we ever figure out who we are if we didn’t learn to stand for something. Even a little toddler goes for it when making his first attempts at standing and walking and keeps getting back up after days of toppling. It’s in our genes to persevere, or we would have been wiped out millennia ago.

So, stop cheating the system and thinking you’re going to get away with avoiding the risk of disapproval. If you demand the right to object and disagree with others, (especially my views on these posts) then your antagonists will be coming for you. Be prepared, not scared. There is also a huge bonus waiting for you on the other side of that abyss… liberation!

Imagine the freedom coming your way and the additional reserves of energy you will have available to you, usually tied up in self-torment. But, be forewarned, as you might awaken a sleeping giant once you shatter the shackles of people-pleasing.

So, go ahead… do yourself a favor and excuse yourself!

Well, Excuse Me! by Jamie Greene is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

Beware your inner Saboteur: he’s that little bugger who will pull your own rug out, just as you take your final step of the victory lap.

It doesn’t make sense, right? The stunning Super Model who has the world in the palm of her hand while she destroys herself with bulimia and a string of abusive boyfriends. The entrepreneur who throws away millions in a reckless wager in Vegas.

How about the recovering alcoholic with 20 years sobriety under his belt who relapses at his 20 year high school reunion?

They all have one thing in common… sabotage!

The origin of the word comes from ‘sabot‘, a 17th Century french shoe worn by peasants who would throw them into the gears of machines to willfully destroy them. Sounds like a Provincial version of throwing the toys out of the pram!

Of course, we’ve become more discreet in our destruction these days: Failed diets, blowing the retirement money, playing hooky, flirting with the waitress in front of the wife or rejecting the only partner who could actually make a commitment! These are all classic maneuvers of our hidden inner Saboteur.

The intention… to convince us we just don’t deserve.

For all the strife and angst we agonize over, sometimes we’d rather pitifully hold on to our familiar failings than risk braving change and accomplishment (See Fear of Success) . But what about those of us who are willing to compete for our success… why might we also ‘shoot ourselves in the foot?’

Quite simply, sabotage is a mechanism we employ to keep from crossing the finish line.

Like avoiding the completion of a gripping novel or the anti-climactic end to a wedding party, we just want more! What better way to prolong the vacation than last-minute packing and missing the plane? Genius in its unconscious inception but not the most direct approach to avoid going back to work.

So close and yet, so far.

You’ve probably heard the classic one about the wild stag night, where the promise of a committed relationship is often destroyed by the Saboteur’s need to experience a few more nights of bachelorhood!

Are we aware of this self-destructive mechanism within us? Can we do anything to stop ourselves from sabotage, despite our fully recognizing the negative consequences?

That’s up to you… What are you willing to give up?

No more escape routes or ‘extenuating circumstances’. No caveats, no grace periods, learning curves or ignorance of the law. Not another scapegoat or naïve bystander. No blind spots, black-outs or dissociating.

None of these slogans will work any longer: I can’t believe that came out of my mouth! You only hurt the ones you love! What was I thinking? I can’t help myself. Do as I say, not as I do. And the best… I said I’m sorry!

If you can give up all of these justifications for sabotage, you might just conquer self-defeat.

After all, who else is running your show?

Beware The Saboteur by Jamie Greene is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

Wishing your good mood would last forever is a bit like keeping your favorite haircut at the ‘ideal length’ without it ever growing out!

You see our moods are designed to change constantly, just as hunger is sure to return following the most satisfying meal. It’s just a matter of time, and the challenge is how you handle it.

Why are we subject to such fluidity of emotions?

It’s not important. Don’t worry about it! You see, you can’t stop your thoughts, can you? Well, guess where your moods originate… unconscious thinking!

I know, it’s a cheeky paradox, but it’s the truth. Your moods, feelings and emotions all stem from thoughts flying through your head at any given moment; some you are aware of and most you are not. Just as a seed must always precede the fruit, there is a crucial step in-between. Let’s call it the ‘trunk.’

If the seed represents our thoughts, the trunk represents our moods or emotions and the fruit is the manifestation of our actions, then it’s clear that the sequence must always follow thoughts-feelings-actions. In the same way that in nature the trunk cannot exist before the seed, our moods therefore stem from our thoughts, beliefs and interpretations.

If you want to have a better grasp of your moods, pay close attention to what’s going on in your head…

If it was really as simple as waking up on the wrong side of the bed, we would have switched sides and started the day over, right? You’ll find that those anxious worries and prior unresolved conflicts are responsible for causing the bad mood in the morning.

And don’t expect your feelings to change with a vanilla latte, chocolate croissant or a Marlboro lite! Only by addressing the conflict that is evoking the thoughts that trigger your moods will you shift how you are feeling and responding.

Pay close attention how to control yourself once you are triggered (see High Anxiety: Mea Culpa). Your goal should be that your moods and attitudes become ‘bulletproof.’ That means that no matter how unreasonable or unfair the circumstance you find yourself facing, NOTHING justifies a raging outburst or verbal assault. It will only be YOU who takes the hit.

Remember, we are operating under the sequence of cause-and-effect in this world, so blame and abdicating personal responsibility for the way you feel and behave will just keep you in a lousy mood!

So, the only thing you can do about it is how you handle you about it!

Swing Shift by Jamie Greene is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

Knock, knock… who’s there?

Ever get that feeling that nobody’s home?
A room filled with neighbors, but you’re all alone.
The couch is a sleeper, yet you’re wide awake,
The crust has been crumbled with nothing to bake.
The fridge door is open, the freezer ajar,
Your hunger for comfort so near, yet so far.
The browser is searching and spinning its globe,
So you patiently wait with such promise and hope.
When you land on the home page you’re having a hunch,
That the lights are still on but they’re all out to lunch.
You search for the words to get over the hump,
Thesaurus and Oxford… totally stumped.
If there’s nowhere to turn, a blank mirror ahead,
Do you blame and cajole or own it instead?
The reflection revealed may taunt and provoke,
Can it possibly be that I am the bloke
Who left on the lights and the doors all ajar?
What are you saying…
Elusive, moi?

Elusive, Moi? by Jamie Greene is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

There’s no such thing as fear of success… it’s the fear of failing once you succeed!

Fear sucks. It literally sucks all our ambition, confidence and trust into a black hole we come to know as our self-esteem.

I was once grocery shopping, pleasantly minding my own business when all of a sudden, I noticed an acquaintance standing at the end of the aisle, pondering spaghetti sauces. How intrusive… this is my supermarket! All at once, I found myself darting down the adjacent aisle, hoping not to have been discovered, just to preserve a few more moments of domestic anonymity.

And all the while, an inner bully taunted me with shudders of rejection and intimate panic at the very notion that I might be ‘outed’ in an unscripted vulnerable moment of a real life encounter!

As a clinician I was never clear what self-esteem really meant so I looked it up in my Pocket Oxford and it became clear all at once; derived from the Latin verb, aestimare, it means to estimate or compare. Who knew?

Of course, that’s precisely how we torment ourselves with awful comparisons that evoke feelings of inadequacy, deficiency and deflation!

I soon discovered I was keeping good company… numerous vexed souls who would pour in through my office, declaring their afflictions with the dreaded plague of low self-esteem. It must be in epidemic worldwide proportions by now. I mean, how many friends of yours are blessed with bountifully soaring secure personalities?

It’s as if it’s the world’s worst kept secret… none of us like ourselves that much in the depths of our core!

Horrible. We need to address this and fix it good and proper.

It may be one of the biggest misconceptions I’ve noticed over the years and I hear it from people all the time… “I can’t do it… it’s my fear of success!” Poppycock!! No one really fears success. We crave success, abundance, happiness, wealth, acknowledgment and praise. We yearn for unconditional love and acceptance, to be cherished, adored and flattered. But it’s so terribly awkward and affronting, attempting to negotiate a way past the ominous bully of our self-esteem.

If you believe you are one of the afflicted, it’s likely because you are afraid to take risks and worry about being judged or rejected if you fail. Well, guess what? No matter how much you strive for perfection and flawless eminence, there is always going to be someone out there who thinks you’re a shmuck!

There’s something deceptively comforting about our familiar failings. In fact, many of us would rather maintain this fruitless routine of fraternizing with the bully of low self-esteemville than risk confronting him head on and chasing him out of town!

We want to succeed, we just can’t bear the thought of having all that success slip away again, once we finally make it! (Read that again)

So, what’s the risk of confronting this bully disguised as the fear of success? He might make his perennial return to intimidate you again and again. Yet, it’s always in our control to be the root of our own success and failings. No one to blame or avoid, no one to rescue us from the black hole of despondency; not even a search party looking for us. Ouch!

There’s a legacy of success story after success story that teaches us indispensable wisdom that only through repeated failures can one truly derive enduring success.

So it comes down to this…

Pick yourself up; dust yourself off; get back on the saddle; up from the count; head down, chin up and chase that bully right out of town, (or at least down the next aisle).

Oh, and run to greet any unforeseen shopping buddies!

Fear of Success…Not! by Jamie Greene is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.